yeah okay, that sounded a lot better in my head. I hate it when that happens, you know? when you got like a bajillion awesome ideas but you don't know how to express it on paper. It gets beyond frustrating. But there are the some lucky times when by just writing, it kinda organizes a lot of thoughts out. Hence, why we're writing blogs. Sometimes, I like to write poems (no, im not depressed) ^____^ but yeah, it helps. this poem was a lucky one and it got published in two books, even though im SURE theres room for lots of improvement! Let me know your reactions or any places you think I can improve. It would help a lot :)
Rhapsody
A rain rhapsody throws a canopied veil over the world,
Heaving its burden to the ground,
In a black and white silence.
She walks along the railroad,
Grimacing at the etchings of her stained past.
Tearing at the map of her lost soul,
A phantom of yesterday.
The tears of the sky enveloping her,
Her head is held high,
While her closed eyes plead.
The water seeps through her thin cotton clothing,
Rippling through her glistening skin,
As it purges faceless memories in f minor.
Rain begins to blow away the dust,
Singing a serenade to the girl jailed in her woven cocoon,
Entreating her tremulous heart to wake up,
To hold its hand – an escapade,
A metamorphosis,
one, two, babysteps.
- sharoon <3
P.S. oh and yes "map of her lost soul" was all inspired by EPIK HIGHH. YAY :D
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2 comments:
I love the vocabulary and the way they can so strongly emote and paint pictures. But I think...idk if there were to be any improvement I would say...Work on the rhythm of the words and have them flow better I guess? Idk...I really don't know shit about poetry, but mostly I think theres a way to both use the lengths of the words you choose and the way you arrange them to create the mood of the poem, instead of it just being more or less a grocery list of different phrases. It could help it possibly convey more meaning or emotion that way.
LOL THAT MADE NO SENSE. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE COMPLETELY, it's pretty BS advice.
But really this was a very very creative and purposeful, and a wonderful piece of work. I can see how much you've grown in your writing and learned how to craft and bend words in a beautiful, artful way. :)
Incidentally, what exactly is the poem depicting? I understand the general idea, but what was YOUR motive/understanding of the poem? What's the signficance of a rain rhapsody to you? An F minor? Faceless memories, and woven cocoons? Just curious, but mostly cuz I suck ass at analyzing.
also do you have a beef against CAPITALIZING OR SOMETHING??? I mean i have nothing against not doing it during chat or even texts, but for some reason it makes it harder to read stuff on blogs that's not properly capitalized.
Teehee. Sorry for being a bitch. :)
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